So you want me to write it down, huh?

95 Days

2009-02-17T10:45:00.003-06:00

Amanda and I are getting married in 95 days!

What a huge gap! It has been almost a year and a half since my last update. I'm pretty sure there are only about 2 people that stumble onto my blog once every few months now.

I guess I could get a few more hits if I included searchable buzz words like "Obama" or "Stock Market", but I guess I'm not really concerned about inviting the world to read about what I think today and then search back into my archives to discover how messed up I felt a few years ago. (Although perhaps I already have because of my little example there)

My blog is for me, really. Me and Amanda, whom I write about in almost every post. Amanda and I gave a talked titled "Dating Dynamics" at Alpha Omega last Thursday. I didn't feel like I came up with anything very profound, we just talked about our 7 years and 9 months of dating... all of the struggle and joy that we experienced during that time, how God now plays a major role in our lives as our rock and foundation, and how we are happy now. Our old blog entries helped us remember the events that brought the pain and the events that brought healing and new found faith... but besides that use, it isn't always fun to read and relive those moments.

I'm not sure what to do with this blog anymore. I do have some interest in keeping it up... but I don't think I want those old entries there any more. I also found that I screwed up my blog account by linking to an email address when Google took over blogger. The problem is that I don't use that email address and I can't link my current address to this account (or maybe I just don't know how).

I think I would like to recreate this blog as a way for Amanda and I to co-write about ourselves as we become a new family. I'd like to be able to post pictures and videos for friend and family to see. Maybe it won't be a part of this particular blog any more though?

I really like to integrate. I love to use Gmail along with Google calendar and other applications and I like having everything linked together... in the ideal situation that Google imagined when they created this system. The problem I've encountered, though, is that in my haste to use these things in the past... I have random unlinked accounts that I'd like to integrate, but I probably need to start fresh with a new account.... I guess this blog is the last hanging piece.

I can't believe I'm getting married in 95 days! I don't think about it much, but I know this life changing event will blow me away when the day comes. I can't wait!

Busy Summer

2007-07-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

Every summer I plan a ton of projects because it's summer and there should be plenty of time right?

Every summer I find myself busier than I was during the school year.

This summer has been pretty cool. I'm interning at a company called dphilms and getting a lot of great production experience. I'm also working with my friends on a new film company in Madison called BackflipFilms. I am quite excited about it's potential and I couldn't be happier with the group of guys I'm working with.

I really have no clue where all of this is going to lead me. I can see so many possible opportunities right now that I'm just overwhelmed by it so I continue to try to put my trust in God and have faith that He will lead me in the right direction. It will undoubtedly be great!

In like a lion...

2007-03-03T00:58:00.000-06:00

March came in like a lion, and somehow reminded me to break the 3 month break from blogging. Apparently google went ahead and bought blogger too, so I guess I'll be upgrading soon.

Google is buying everything. It makes me anxious when I think about things like that because I want to start a business. I mean really. Really I do, seriously totally want to start a business. But how the crap does one go about such a thing? I mean every business started somewhere, from the ground up. I guess I wonder sometimes if that will continue to happen, or if corporate giants like google with keep buying up little companies thereby increasing the barrier to entry.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid dreaming... my grandios plans of starting a production company and turning it into a job for myself. I guess I just have to continue to have faith that something will work out and maybe someday I can run a small film company. or maybe a large one? I think the hardest thing is finding someone to do that with you. I mean, I don't want to pry anyone away from their "real, adult, serious, stable" future job. It just frustrates me when I see how we've been shaped to think about working and making money and living our lives. I really want to reach people.

We've been entering lots of contests recently on our youtube account in hopes that we could win some cash prize or break through into the public spotlight. I think my entire motivation for doing this is just for security. I struggle with God so much. I just want to know the answers. I want to know that things will work out for me. I want to know what I will be doing 5 years from now. And God just won't give up the answer yet... I know that He will, but I struggle to be patient. I feel like if we could get some recognition for our films, then we could really make things that matter. I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling so small in a world where dorks can chat at their webcam everyday and have a huge fan base on youtube in the thousands.

Final though... I really feel called to serve God and his people in a bigger way. I don't know how and when but I feel like He has huge plans and I pray that I have the knowledge and courage to follow His lead.

Peace out

Finally a Post

2006-11-22T12:20:00.000-06:00

The last lecture before I leave for Thanksgiving break... what a waste of time. I'm making a trade of this lecture's notes for a bunch of notes from lectures I missed, so I guess that's worth something. Thanksgiving break will fulfill a much needed rest. Unfortunately, I won't be able to totally rest because I've got a couple film projects to do over the break... but still, it'll be nice.

I was going to leave one more audio blog a few weeks ago cause they discontinued the service on Nov. 1, but I forgot to to that so I guess you'll just have to read my thoughts. (Although I was thinking it might be fun to leave a video blog sometime) While I'm talking about blogs I might as well address my extended absence from the blog scene. I'm not sure... I guess it may be that I'm not alone as much this year? I guess I blogged a lot last year cause I was often sitting around at my house alone and rather that talking to no one, I'd talk to my computer (or someone that would read my blog at a later time)

I'm not sure why, but I just don't feel inspired to write in this blog as much anymore. Maybe that's a good thing?

Amanda is so great. She came to Madison last night and is going to come to Bettendorf with Liz and I for Thanksgiving. It'll will be a lot of fun! Recently, Amanda, Aaron, and I filmed a music video for a contest for the song "So Cold I Could See My Breath" by Emery. I'm really excited about it and I feel like we really accomplished something awesome with this movie.

Anyway, I think that's enough for now. Here's a quick shout out to Amanda, Emilee, Heather, Tony, and Petey for being most likely to stumble onto this new post first even though I haven't posted in a while. Peter, that beatboxing guy in your blog is really cool... (p.s. do you know where my first film for the mayville film festival is? "A Summer Day")

peace out

2006-10-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

Check it out!

Peter Simon's blog "Blogs are so 2005"

2006-09-04T02:29:00.000-05:00

School totally snuck up on me.

I mean, I knew it was coming up soon... and I've been excited for it to begin, but "BAM"... Tuesday is the first day of classes. I don't have a clue where this weekend went. Tomorrow has a chance of saving me, but since it's labor day, nothing will be open so I can't run errands or anything. I guess I was just hit with a dose of stress tonight.

Worship Band
Video for Alpha Omega
Engraving Shop
School Books (read course packet soon!)
Volunteer Work

...amoung other things.

Come on Monday... be good to me... dead on... dead on...

Jesus take the wheel?

2006-08-24T06:38:00.000-05:00

So this comes from the idea that we are in a car with Jesus and rather than just letting him navigate... we actually let him take the wheel and lead us in the right direction. But how's this for an analogy:

Jesus and I are on a way to a party. He knows the way. I've got a general idea 'cause I Googled it earlier. We take off in two seperate vehicals; Jesus leads the way and I follow in my car close behind. No one can drive my car for me. I've got to do it myself, but Jesus can lead the way.

Sometimes Jesus turns off the freeway onto a frontage road and I say to myself, "Jesus, come on. What are we doing over here winding around these little roads hitting stop signs?" Just about then, I look over and see the freeway is all torn up because of construction. Traffic is at a stand-still. No way could I have known about the construction from Google. Jesus is stopped at the stop sign in front of me pointing and giving me a thumbs up as if to say, "Oh yeah, I'm good".

Other times I think Jesus is going a little too slow for my taste and I take the lead for a bit. Normally, I immediately get lost but luckily, Jesus is there with me to get back on track. Jesus kind of rolls his eyes at me, but he wants me to come to the party with him, so we continue.

Sometimes I get tired of driving and don't feel like continuing, but then I remember that Jesus' dad set this party up and it's going to totally rock. I want to go and I know that if I don't follow Jesus, I'm never going to find this place.

But sometimes I just plain zone out, don't pay attention to where I'm driving, barely avoid some accidents and then snap out of it and say to myself, "Woh! Jesus, I almost lost ya for a minute there." Inattentive driving can be very dangerous and if you crash, you could be done.

Ketchup

2006-08-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

I'm always looking forward to that day when I'll have everything done by it's deadline and I'll have time to relax and just do things for fun... but I don't think that day is ever going to come.

I feel like I'm going to to better in school this year, but not because I'll stop getting things done last minute. I'll just enjoy what I'm doing more and put more effort into it. It's just that, I can see that school is going to sneak up on me and start before I'm ready again and I'm always going to be half a step behind. Maybe that's not a bad thing? I've done it pretty much all my life. But when other projects start piling up, it would be nice to be ahead.

As for my previous, audio post... I guess it got some reaction but not totally what I was looking for. That particular day I happened to be bored. My WHOLE summer wasn't boring... but some of it was. Who cares anyway... it was just me rambling on the phone. So in case you're wondering, Amanda (there's no sense in pretending that I'm not talking to you)... I really enjoyed Lifest and going to Boston was amazingly fun and I've really had a great time seeing you this summer!!!

...but sitting on my butt watching channel 3 is boring.

School is going to be fun, but also very different studying something that I enjoy. Hmm... anyway, here's hoping for a good year!

2006-08-06T20:23:00.000-05:00

The problem with balding...

2006-06-29T08:59:00.000-05:00

The problem with balding - far as I can see it - is that it never stops, well not until it reaches completion. See, with something like putting on weight or losing weight, you'll commonly hear things like, "oh... I see you've lost weight." or "hmm, looks like you've been putting on some weight". But balding is in a whole different ball park. If you're balding, the only choice your friends have is to solomly observe as your supply runs out. You never hear "oh... I see you've put on some more hair" or any other comments of that nature.

Phil isn't cut out to be a jockey

2006-06-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

I'm at work. It's boring. My class starts next week.

Last weekend I went to six flags with A-unit and all the other units from Madison. It was a great time. We had the bad weather crowd, with the good weather... weather. Basically, we got to ride everything.

Here's Phil and I racing horses... He never takes anything seriously.

summer blogging

2006-06-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

It's hard to blog in the summer because there's not as much to procrastinate from...
Instead there's just nothing to do, so blogging feels like work.

SixtyfourandCloudy is playing for a wedding this coming week so we practiced this last weekend. We were asked to play at a graduation party at the last minute. It ended up being some nice live practice and it was a good time as well. (see, I feel drained just trying to put those sentences together) I'm pretty excited about some of the new songs we're adding and I really hope we can record our new originals soon. This next weekend should be pretty fun with the wedding and then going to six flags on Saturday! Ok.. that's it for now.

You should all check out the "fun link" update.

I need a hair cut.

2006-05-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, ay?

I've gotta brush up on my "ay"s because I'm going to Vancouver next week. Yes, Vancouver. It should be a pretty awesome time, especially cause I'm going to edit some footage from the Evangelical Catholic Institue with a film maker from Canada to make some DVDs that will be sent all over!

School is over for the year... and that's pretty dang awesome. I didn't do so hot, but honestly, I'm so happy to be done... I don't really care.

I worked for eight hours at the engraving shop today.... UGH. I'm kind of excited to start my summer class. I can't wait for lifest.

I'm not in the mood to blog.

blech

SixtyfourandCloudy is playing for a wedding this summer. Woot.

<--This is Amanda.

Faq

2006-04-24T12:42:00.001-05:00

I'm not feeling creative right now. I'm just posting because I see I haven't posted in a while. So this'll be just the facts (maybe).

For those of you that know my schedule, you'll notice the time this post was written overlaps with my biology lecture. That could mean I typed it sometime before or after and changed the time...

I just got done writing my final draft of my script for my film production class. That class is simply awesome. Let's see... this week is going to be a busy one. I'm performing in Jesus Christ Superstar on Wed, Fri, and Sat. We have a dress rehearsal tonight and tomorrow and SixtyfourandCloudy has a show at Cardinal Stritch this Thursday. So there are all of my evenings. During the day I'll be studying for OChem and Bio to see if I can survive the semester as well as editing my film for my final project.

This coming weekend will be great though! Amanda and I celebrate 5 years on Sunday. It'll be really good to see her this weekend.

She

2006-04-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

She loves me. Thank You.

she loves me yeah yeah yeah... that's right

2006-04-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

I really like film... but you know what I'm REALLY good at?...

Wasting time!

Is there a way I could use this talent?

(ugh)

2006-04-09T14:19:00.000-05:00

Stress Relief

2006-03-27T00:44:00.000-06:00

Look at this picture for a few seconds and then close your eyes and go there.

Thinking and Singing

2006-03-25T03:26:00.000-06:00

What messed up people we are when we can't say that we're fully black or white. But whether we're absorbing or reflecting light, the Father sees all the colors in either.

I'm not exactly sure what I meant by this, but I left it as a comment on Petey Boy's Blog and I liked the way it sounded.

We are all the same in the Father's eyes. He loves us not for who we are, what we do, or what others think of us. There is no one that He loves more than you.

Amanda came to visit during her spring break from school and amoung other things, we played at open mic night at the union. I can't even begin to express how much I love singing with her. I love the hair tingling feeling when we hit a harmony... and well, like I said I can't explain. Amanda's so amazing in so many ways, but for tonight, I'll highlight this one.

(switching gears)
We have some pretty crazy discussions and some pretty heated debates, eh guys? Let's remember that we're all the same in that we're all different. Anyway, for my part in this evening's disagreement... I'm sorry. =)

'night

2006-03-14T22:11:00.000-06:00

the spring break

2006-03-13T22:06:00.000-06:00

I suppose it's time to update.

Funny that I don't update as much when I have nothing to do... but I guess it's because I don't really have much to write about, but...

I have SO MUCH to write about,
to sing about,
to dance about,
to talk about,
to smile about.

I'm convinced that my life is one of the great love stories cause I'm definitely feelin' loved right now. If you think you're a part of that... you're probably right and so this is thank YOU.

I'd much rather get right up in your face and explain this, so if you're curious... please ask. It'll be much better with facial expressions.

Also... a Latino told me "The only path worth following is your dreams, otherwise you are nothing". Ha ha! I don't know what to take from that but I know it means something.

Film?

March

2006-03-09T02:18:00.000-06:00

They say "if march comes in like a lion, it goes out like a lamb."

There was snow last week... rain today.

I love the rain.

Things that I do.

2006-03-07T01:50:00.000-06:00

I live...
I breathe...
I wish...
I pray...
I laugh...
I cry...
I hide...
I run...
I walk...
I stand still...
I search...
I find...
I wait...
I talk...
I listen...
I write...
I feel...
I change...
I stay the same...
I dance...
I fail...
I succeed...
I think...
I love...
I ache...
I sing...
I play...
I trust...
I feel sorry...
I want...
I hope...
I share...
I wonder...
I see...
I sleep...
I lay awake...
I love...
I try...
I love...
I dream...
I love...
I love...
I feel scared...
I love...
I Love...
I Love...
I Love...
I Love..
I Love.

I Love You.

Escape From Earth

2006-03-05T02:05:00.000-06:00

...is a really awesome band.

I love rock shows. Alison booked a bunch of bands at Union South and asked a bunch of us to come. I'm glad I went.

I really love music but nothing is better than watching a singer pouring out their heart on stage. I won't say I'm jealous, but I'm so happy for those that have the chance to do that for a living.

Phil also acted in my daylight film project today. Nice work to him, it was nothing special but it took us a good 2 1/2 hours and he hung in there and even took a digger (twice) for the sake of art!

Anyway, here's this band...

"Beautiful" -Escape From Earth

"So Much More" is an awesome song but I couldn't download it...
It's on www.myspace.com/escapefromearth though

2006-03-04T01:05:00.000-06:00

Accoustic Show

"Crash"

My head aches.

Challenge me Lord, but not beyond my abilities.

Thy love keep me through the night and wake me with the morning light.

It's fun for me when you comment...

2006-03-02T14:49:00.000-06:00

So how's it going everyone? =)

Two skinned knees

2006-02-28T01:58:00.000-06:00

I fell up my stairs today and skinned my right knee. Then, in an effort to be polite, I tried to step over a desk when I finished my OChem exam so I wouldn't bother the girl next to me and I skinned my left knee on the way down. Now I have two skinned knees. Ahh, memories.

I love the sound of a fan running. I think it reminds me of my childhood. In the summer my dad would put a fan in the windows of our bedrooms... the soft hum drowning out the startling noises in the dark. I think now that I'm an adult I can really appreciate those things about my childhood. There was no way I could have known at that point in my life what these things would mean to me now.

I'm gonna go ahead and encourage comments on this one. Tell me your reminiscent childhood memories.

2006-02-27T09:27:00.000-06:00

I wrote a new song... or rather, I finished an old one.

OChem Exam today. Yuck!

2006-02-26T00:40:00.000-06:00

As I fall to sleep
Will you comfort me
When my heart is weak
Will you rescue me

Will you be there
As I grow cold
Will you be there when I'm falling down
Will you be there

When I'm in retreat
Can I run to you
Will my pain release
At your mercy seat

Will you be there
As I grow cold
Will you be there when I'm falling down
Will you be there
My heart grows cold
Will you be there when I'm falling down
Are you saying yes
I gotta believe it
Are you saying yeah
When your love comes down I can rest my eyes
Feel your grace and power flood into my life
As my brokenness and your strength collide
When your love comes down

As I fall to sleep

Will you be there
As I grow cold
My heart grows cold
Will you be there when I'm falling down

The answer is yes. Simply ask.

Mistakes and other things that sound like disaster

2006-02-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I am scared out of my mind.
I don't think I should stay in one place,
but then where else should I go?
I don't think this is a disaster.
I don't know if this is a mistake.

I would recommend everyone going to the "special link" on my page today.

What is it going to take?

2006-02-13T01:07:00.000-06:00

Roll of Film... $25
Trip to Australia... $4680
St. Paul's Musical... (~2hours/day 3days/week)
Acoustic Guitar... $500
Sign Engraving... (12hours/week)
Copyright... $30
OChem... (2 1/2 hours/week + studying)
MCAT prep course $1000
Bio... (5 1/2hours/week + studying + research project)
Sending in Med School Aplication... $50-$200

All of this ammounting to confusion and no clear goal... (Priceless) absolutely worth no price, worth nothing at all.

I need to change. One of these things need to become more important than the others and I need to go for it. Right now I think I have an even split between film and medicine. What a ridiculous combination! Aaron asked me what my dream would be at dinner tonight. I answered "to be an emergency room doctor and work 16hours/day 3days/week, and then hang out with my 2.5 kids and pursue my hobbies the rest of the week." The problem in my head is deciding whether I think that dream is worth studying 30+ hours/week and going to school for 4+ more years. So if I would decide I don't want to be in school forever, my dream then would be to make movies... or something. But the response (even in my head) is always "yeah right, you'll never make any money doing that." So the question then is "do I want to make money?" Seems simply like I need to answer that question right? Well the REAL question is "what kind of life do I want my family to have?" Is it ok to tell my kids "no kids, we're not going on vacations and having nice things because Daddy is doing what he loves for a living and being fulfilled"? Is it seriously ok to make my future wife be the primary provider? Would her family look down on me for that and discourage her from being with me? Honestly, I don't really want to do that. I want to work and bring in money to the family, but these are questions that I ask myself. How many of my goals are really MINE? Am I afraid to change them or abandon them because of what others would think? Who would I let down if I gave up on medicine? Myself? Amanda? My Family? God???

I think this is where I'm at... I want to want Medicine because I don't seem to want it enough right now to do what it will take to succeed. And why do I want it? Not because I'm sure I'd love it, but because I would be seen as successful and because it's stable. Apparently, I just realized, that I'm into pleasing others over pleasing myself. Cool. So everyone... what do you want me to become?

Wow, this blog is ridiculous. Props to anyone that finished the whole thing. And Amanda, props to you darling... props to you.

Phil's Computer

2006-01-30T21:35:00.000-06:00

I'm posting this blog from Phil's computer. Last year, he used my computer or Eric's computer almost every day because he lived near the lakeshore but spent almost all of his time at Witte. Now, since I'm too lazy to walk 2 blocks to my house... I use his computer.

I simply cannot wait to see Amanda Merkes this weekend because I love her and when she's not making me smile, she's making me laugh.

Aaron, Eric, Phil, and I need to start writing songs for our band next year.

For Emilee, wherever I may find her

2006-01-22T03:33:00.000-06:00

So the title of this blog is a Simon and Garfunkel song but mostly it's because Emilee told me to write in my blog cause she reads it a lot. I know you read it too Amanda =) !

I guess I haven't written in my blog in a while because I haven't had anything depressing to write but I should really write and tell you all how happy I am.

I think I finally figured out that I want to major in genetics... and then possibly major in film as a second major (yeah, I know they don't really go together but whatever...). I'm also pretty sure I figured out what it means to trust in God. I am also convinced that I have the best girlfriend on the planet. I have no idea how I got so lucky but I thank God everyday for this amazing relationship. I also thank God for all of you... you know who you are... my friends. You're all awesome whether you're farting, kicking me in the shin, telling me that I don't match... it doesn't matter, plain and simple.... nice job everyone. (haha! I like the way I said nice job) And oh yeah, my parents are actually getting cooler and last but certainly not least (or youngest) is Liz. Nice work getting where you are Liz, and keep your head up... and remember your accents. =)

Next time we are going to make a movie we should think about filming something. Jk, but not really. I'm tired.

HAPPY Holidays

2006-01-03T17:19:00.000-06:00

So I'm happy. I just want everyone that reads my blog from time to time to know that. Things are going well. Ecuador was great. Mayville has treated me well. Bettendorf, I am sure, will treat me well at the end of this week. Thank You God for you unending grace and thank you Amanda for being the girl you are. Peace out everyone.

learning to stop fighting

2005-12-18T02:23:00.000-06:00

Walking outside today I decided to try something. For starters... for some reason, the last couple days I've just been freezing as I walk to class. I shiver on my way there and it's hard to relax and take a nice deap breath. So today as I walked outside I calmed myself. I convinced my body that the cold wasn't that cold and that I wasn't going to die and that it didn't need to go into survival tactics. I was successful at doing this and completed my walk in this state of mind. I let the cold take over my body. Now don't confuse this with tricking myself into thinking it was warm... I did not deny that it was cold. I simply let myself feel that cold completely... without fighting it. As strange as it may sound, it was quite enjoyable. I didn't feel the stress of staying warm and shaking like my body was going to come apart. I was just cold, that's all... and eventually I got to where I was going and I was warm again.

Here's a little puzzle... I like to think that "God", "life", and "trust" are ideas that would fit nicely into an anology here.

...but by the way, I really did do the cold thing... and shivering is as much mental as it is physical.

Second Early Morning Post

2005-12-15T07:46:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I couldn't exactly see the sun because of the clouds, but I know it was there. =)

A perfect, even blanket of pure white snow spread across the lake. I walk through the slush and the crap on my way to class, but to see beautiful, untouched snow makes me really miss sledding in my backyard. To my left were two men fishing from a bridge where there was some open water. I thought to myself, "boy, they got up early to catch a fish.".... =)

Goodmorning everyone.

The day that began without the dawn

2005-12-15T06:58:00.000-06:00

So I was up way too late last night, but oddly enough I was ripped from my sleep at 6:49am. I have no idea why but for some reason I woke up and my body said I needed to stay up. In fact, I don't think I could get back to sleep if I tried. There are so many thoughts crashing into my mind this morning. I would say the vast majority are positive and hopeful. The bad thoughts, I am convinced, are simply incorrect... which comforts me.

I miss talking to my best friend.

...it appears the sun is just peaking out over the horizon. Maybe today I will watch the sun rise. =)

exams

2005-12-12T20:55:00.000-06:00

I don't like exams, but my professors don't seem to mind that.

"trying hard for the break of day"

love

reality

2005-12-10T01:41:00.000-06:00

It is well within God's power to make our dreams come true. So if I trust whole heartedly in God's kindness and power, then the phrase "stop dreaming and come back to reality" should not apply to me. I dream about being truly happy for the rest of my life.
(not that anyone is saying stop dreaming... but an interesting thought I thought)

On another note, most of my strangely worded sentences are intentional.

Goodnight and sweet dreams

"[May] the peace of God that surpasses all understanding...guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

P.S. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is an amazing movie.

...that comment about change.

2005-12-09T12:01:00.000-06:00

Perhaps it's been lack of change that's hurt me. I guess we're all changing as we go on.

During a slow walk home last night I saw the snow plows clearing the streets which made me think of something... I should probably get my car out of the street and let the plow clean up last night's mess.

*lonely

Day One

2005-12-08T16:46:00.000-06:00

The feeling inside me is so impossible to describe. It consumes me completely. I feel so lost. So sad. Please let the outcome be good. I've decided I hate change.

Weekends

2005-12-03T23:14:00.000-06:00

Weekends for most people are never long enough. For me, most weekends are too long. That's because most weekends I'm not with her. At least during the week I have classes, and clubs, and a job to occupy my time. but on a weekend spent here... I have nothing but time to waste until I see her.

This particular weekend is a weird one... Friday night was not near long enough but today and tomorrow drag on. You see the difference is that this weekend... I spent Friday evening in her company. We danced and laughed and ate food. We watched a movie and talked and snuggled. We said "goodbye for now" and I came back "home". Upon returning home I talked to her later on the phone and being the wonderful guy that I am I upset her with my theories about her male friends. I don't even know the truth... It may just be that I'm jealous of the time they have with her that I can't have. My friends here are so awesome... so stinkin' awesome! But a friend is a friend. I miss my best friend everyday. It's sad because sometimes I miss her when I'm with her cause I know that soon we'll be apart. I miss her.

New Post-Upset Post

2005-11-22T02:09:00.000-06:00

Thank you. That's what I gotta say. Well I guess I don't really have to but I want to. Plus, Thanksgiving is coming up and "thanking" seems to fit. Thank God for helping me see the brighter side of things. I went on a retreat about 2 weeks ago and it was really a great experience. Thank you everyone else that said something like "ahh, John... you'll be fine, you're just in a sophmore-slump". Thank you Amanda for giving so much to make me happy. Thank you Alison for that random hug today. Thanks a lot Heather you poopjerk. Have an AWESOME Thanksgiving break everyone.

By all accounts (today was a disaster)

2005-11-09T00:23:00.000-06:00

Well... not by ALL accounts I guess. The song is titled that, but many things didn't go well today. Work sucked pretty bad for the first time this year... and not just because I actually had to work but because we're supposed to figure out this stupid new program but we're not getting trained. So on top of filling orders, we have to try and figure out this other software. I got no studying done for my biology exam. I spent all Sunday night (literally all Sunday night... didn't sleep) studying for an organic chemistry exam on Monday night. I didn't expect a wonderful grade or anything... but I didn't expect to be crushed so badly either. "I don't get it"... that's what I said to Amanda tonight and when she asked what it meant I said... "what my failing means... what God's telling me... O. Chem...." Basically I just don't get IT.

This weekend I'm going to a High School Confirmation Retreat to lead worship and to give a talk about God and His role in our lives. What am I doing?... I feel like I'm getting closer to God, but the truth is that I still don't have a clue. I'm just hanging on. That's really all I know how to do. I beg for guidance. "Meet me where I am and lead me where you will." That is what I ask. I feel "met" but as far as being led... am I supposed to fail my O. Chem exam? am I supposed to be stressed out all the time? am I supposed to be utterly and completely confused?

Maybe I'm still holding on to something. Maybe I'm not letting you take complete control. Maybe I'm afraid of where you would lead me. I'm so afraid to close my eyes and continue walking. (see "blind" for more on this)

Thank You for the gifts you've given me. Thank You for her love. Thank You. Please bare with me.

Why don't I just write you a letter?

2005-11-01T22:28:00.000-06:00

So pretty much, no one reads my blog. I don't really know if that's the point or not, but it's an observation I've made. I guess it's therepeutic to wrtie things down...? But normally the content of my blog is directed towards Amanda, cause I know that she reads it.

So... the drop deadline for classes is sooner than I thought it was. It's Nov. 4... this friday. I thought I'd get to take my O. Chem exam and see if I bombed it and then decide whether to drop or not. But I guess I'm gonna have to close my eyes and dive in head first. I really want to go to med school... but why isn't that enough motivation to make me study hard?

ok... I'm on the phone with you, and you said "hi".

short prayer

2005-10-25T10:50:00.000-05:00

"Sacrificial love is self-sacrifice with the pure motivation to alleviate the suffering of others. This supreme love is suffering love, love that requires involvement in the knotty problems of the world, love that bears with the failings and weaknesses of others, love that is committed to helping others regardless of the cost."

Jesus, teach me this kind of love.

and that too, has passed.

2005-10-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

God in his mysterious ways has made things right again. Not that they every were "not right" but my puny intellect was no match for the curve ball He threw at me. School is still hard, I'm still lonely and confused at times, but He loves me and "she" loves me and those two things are very important. I must not forget that when stress levels are high. Anyway, stress is high again tonight as usual because of O. Chem... so I'm gonna get to that now.

strong

2005-10-17T02:27:00.000-05:00

I laugh so others don't have to cry. I can be strong for them because it's so hard to be strong. Why would I possibly want to make them shoulder my problems? They have their own. I debate and mediate without emotion. Logic and reason are my tools. Is God trying to tell me that logic and reason cannot always be trusted? He created the earth from clay... less than clay actually: nothing. What logic is this? God defys reason and so, does his most precious gift to us (love) also defy reason and logic? God, I think I'm ready to throw my hands up and let go of my reason and logic... catch me when I fall Lord. For You are the one that will shoulder my problems and You are the one that asked me to offer them up. And Lord, when I give them to you... please take them all, because I don't want to ask anyone else to carry the burden. It's so hard to be strong Lord. I laugh so others don't have to cry.

EmoIndiePunk

2005-10-04T03:18:00.000-05:00

I often make fun of this recently popular style of music. The whinning voices, the depressing lyrics, the droning guitar parts... But I gotta say, honest and true, that I really love this music. It's so cool to me that these artists are able to get their emotions out into the music. I am able to feel these emotions. The first verse establishes the main theme and some tight harmonies are added to draw you in and then the chorus just flows so easily... almost as if it would continue on even if the band stopped playing right then. The "5" chords, or the absence of the "3rd" brings you back to the early church composing. They're using "pure" chords... there are so many possibilities for melody in the absence of a 3rd. The chorus establishes the pulse and the rest of the song keeps it going, pushing it through the listener. In case you're wondering... I'm listening to Number One Fan right now.

At what point during the night does it stop being "late" and become "early"? Does it have to do with how you say it? "I was up late last night... until 3:00am" or "I was up until early this morning... 3am"? Or what if you don't go to sleep? Does the night become the middle of that last day? One really long day? Were you up late? or up early?

Bad Post... gimmee a break, it's late.... (early?)

You dang blog!

2005-09-30T00:38:00.000-05:00

What are you trying to do, make me sound stupid?! I said shallow! I wanted shallow! But Petey read into it. How dare you.

Actually, as I came to a finish on that last entry I realized it's somewhat "deep" content. Then I thought to myself, "Leave it alone John. Just leave it alone."

I tried to stay up and get my bio prelab done last night but pretty much passed out on my book. Magically, I woke up at 8:30, saving myself from an absence in my Bio discussion, but then after class I had to bust my metaphoric butt to get my prelab done. So goes life.

Not So Deep

2005-09-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

Some blogs are deep and provoke haunting or enchanting thoughts that you can ponder for hours on end. Not this post though! This one here should be right on the surface. It's raining. I'm tired. I slept through my alarm and missed a class. Last night I had crazy dreams. Amanda had some other boyfriend that didn't treat her well and I had a huge paper to write and I didn't know the topic. Today has been a flop so far. Some days feel like you're not actually experiencing that day, but just watching it. You don't know why you skipped Biology, but you did. You figure you'd get more out of reading the book, but you don't read the book. I'll send something in the mail to Amanda. I am lost in thought too deep to post right now. Peace out.

What is it about that girl?

2005-09-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

The only thing on my mind right now is a heavy sigh.

I guess that's not completely true, cause the reason that heavy sigh is there is Amanda. She came to visit me this weekend. She ran extra workouts so she could get off of soccer practice on Friday to come and surprise me on Thursday. Then she tried to organize a surprise party for me on Friday night that didn't really work real well, but it was sweet just the same.

The things she does to make me happy! She had to take the 5:30 bus back to Milwaukee today. The weekends never feel long enough, but I still love getting to see her.

So now I'm 20. I guess that means I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't know if that's really sunk in yet or if it ever will sink in. I'm an adult. Young adult yes, but adult just the same. Now I know that 18 I was supposedly an adult but that's still teenage years. The phrase "stupid teenagers" no longer applies to me. What's really gonna be a mind job is when I finish college... but I have 2 years before I have to worry about that.

Blind?

2005-09-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

Today I sat next to a blind kid in my liturature lecture. I've seen him in a few lectures earlier this year but I never gave much thought to his situation. He comes walking in with his cane, which he moves back and forth to figure out where he is and what's around him. Anyway after lecture he springs up and takes off towards the door, bumps the wall with his cane, finds the exit and is on his way. He's so confident with that cane. Sometimes I walk down the sidewalk when there aren't too many people out and see how far I can get with my eyes closed. I use the feeling of a crack on the ground to guide my foot, but I can never make it very far before I open my eyes. When I do open my eyes I'm always underwhelmed to find out that nothing has changed... I'm still alone on the sidewalk. I guess I'm just so afraid that I'll run into something if I can't see.

Why are we afraid of what we cannot see?

I think we should close our eyes more often.

Engraving

2005-09-20T03:37:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my first full day of work at the engraving shop without somebody instructing me. It should be a pretty good time. My main concern actually, is that it will be difficult to make myself look busy for 7 hours (that's the plan for tuesdays anyway).

Travis and Rob have not cleaned their portions of the house yet. (This week I had bathrooms, rob had the living room, travis had the kitchen, and eric had a bye week.) And now here it is... next week. If they don't clean tomorrow I may have to shave their heads of pretty, long, emo hair. Living in a house brings on new an exciting challenges.

Next year hopefully a whole pile of us can find a nice big, sweet house with a million bedrooms for a million of our closest friends.

The night calls me... but I don't pick up and let the answering machine get it. I have to get to bed after all.

If at first

2005-09-18T20:16:00.000-05:00

So here I am writing a blog. Amanda bought me a journal for my 18th birthday and I wrote in it weekly... no monthly.... wait... then bimonthly.... yearly..... uhh... it didn't go very far. So maybe this blog thing will work because I'm online a lot?

I am the campus sign engraver. What a treat! I dont' know how I ever landed this job but I make my own hours, the pay is great and I work alone. I'll be able to do my homework and get payed for it. Come to think of it, I'll be able to write in this blog and get payed for it!

Ok, great first entry John! Keep up the good work.